5/9
no one is surprised i like dostoevsky
there’s a sentiment i remember reading when i was younger, probably from a manga, something like: “when you’re a kid, anything you do makes you extraordinary; but when you become an adult, anything you do makes you ordinary.” i couldn’t tell you anything about where it came from, but i guess it stuck with me till now. today, i think i finally understood what those words were trying to say.
5/8
the winds of change are upon thee!
today was xix’s graduation! my parents let me go under the pretense that “seeing everyone else who graduated would motivate me to graduate too” – it was probably more guilt-trippy than that, but let’s just leave it at that haha. i was on the fence about going too, mostly because the drive felt like too much for a corny ceremony, but in the end, i’m glad i went! xix is part of the art department, so it was a different vibe than the asian student convocation i went to for melo last semester. all the dance majors did a little dance while walking the stage, and some of the theater majors had little bits going on; if it were any other department it might be “too much” but these people are getting literal degrees in this stuff so it feels just right. (on the other hand, i heard that the professors of the engineering department had lightsabers during their ceremony.) i guess my parent’s plan worked because after the spectacle of it all, i did feel a bit disappointed in myself for pushing off my own graduation. but just when i sat back down in my car to feel sorry for myself, i got callbacks from 2 different jobs. so maybe everything will be ok.
5/7 11:21PM
untitled(4)
things that are good for my soul: reading notes from underground with a pen and notebook in hand like i'm going to write a masters thesis on it
things that are bad for my soul: spending literally all day rerolling nu carnival accounts for explicitly sexy anime boys that i know i won't care about in a month or so
#in bed
5/6
5 year plan
i met up with a friend from uni today. she moved away post-graduation, so i cherish the times she’s in town and makes time for me, no matter how little it is. i routed her to haunts i've been frequenting more recently: the second hand bookstore, the new asian strip mall that opened after she moved; nothing special, but it’s always nice to share places that have become mundane to you with others – “one man’s trash is another’s treasure”, more like “one guy’s usual loitering spots is another’s special outing”. one thing about seeing people i don’t talk to regularly is that everybody naturally comes to ask me about the demons in my closet: 5 years later and i still have’t graduated undergrad. one thing, however, that i am grateful for about all the friends i made in uni is that every single one of them is capable of deep critical thinking no matter how silly things may seem on the surface. (if you don’t know what i’m talking about, i both congratulate and mourn you on surrounding yourself with people who don’t make you question such things.) so, yes, the state of medicine as a field of study in the states is abyssmal, both systemically and the people going into said system, and the post-grad job market is overstaturated with people who value computational results over the uncertainty of the arts, but maybe nothing is set in stone and we can continue to forge ahead regardless of it all. this is to say, i think i’ve finally woken up from the sleep i didn’t realize i was in. something lost in me was found, reignited, etc. etc. there wasn’t any one thing, nor was there a specifc thought that clicked everything into place. somehow or another, i just knew - and that's how i know this is forreal this time.
5/4
may the fourth be with you
i ran errands for the first time in a while. it’s nice, the mundanity of it; a different vibe from the usual hedonistic shopping and meandering - not utilitarian, but something adjacent. i brought one of my little sisters with me, we don’t hang out often so it was nice. i took her to the second hand exchange store, but i can’t tell if she’s as enamored with the place as i am. i know the first time i went, i felt more lost than anything else, and it might have taken a few years in between visits but now that i’m adjusted, i love knowing how to wander between the shelves. i wonder if she’ll feel that same kind of peace, or if that’s just not her vibe while she’s in highschool * * i think the kind of peace you experience when wandering old bookstores is so fundamental to the modern human experience, if you haven't experienced it yet, then you will.
5/3 at 8:45AM
untitled(3)
my parents think my antidepressants are clouding my mind but i feel like its quite the opposite. i've been slowly weening off them and here i am, staring at this code for the past hour thinking about what i want to journal about, and while i have plenty of thoughts running through my head, i can't put any of them into words
#in my head, #in a coffee shop
4/27 at 12:37PM
meow
my cat always meows from upstairs because he’s lonely, but he could very easily go down stairs where everyone else is, nothing is stopping him but himself. something something; our own fear is what's holding us back on the things that aren't really a big deal.
4/26 at 07:51PM
untitled(2)
after a bit of heat, the cold came back suddenly. i think it might rain tonight. it feels like the universe is giving me another chance, like it's saying "don't give up! spring isn’t over! summer has yet to come!" something inside clicked into place inside me all of a sudden
#on the bus
4/25 at 08:45PM
the root of all evil: the internet bad parenting
this morning, my mom put on a podcast which i can best summarize as a mom emphasizing the way too much screentime will rot underdeveloped brains because she saw it happened first-hand with her son, and after a month screen detox he completely turned his life around. obviously, this is a direct attack to me. unfortunately, i am turning 23 this year, i have already failed 3 college semesters, and the semester ends next week, so it may be a bit late for either of us to have this realization.
#on the bus
4/24 at 11:32AM
untitled
summer is coming, i can feel the heat rolling in. time has passed me by; next thing i know the year will start again! i want to try to be more intentional with myself, even just a little. time isn't real, but i am
#on the bus
4/21 at 11:32AM
a little too late
what’s done is done, i’m trying to learn how to push forward these days. it all starts with babysteps - i just need to keep telling myself that
#on the bus #university woes
04/15
met god today [miku]
me and my friends saw miku in concert today! i definitely smoked a little too much weed for a monday night
here is a summary of the events that led up to today:
- september 2023, crunchyroll announces their tourstop lineup and guess whose shitty little college town made the list?!
- january, concert arena information is released. not only is miku stopping by, she's going to be at my uni campus?! but here's the catch: even shitty nosebleed seats are a good penny, and my friends aren't chronically online in the vocascene enough to justify the pricepoint. our dreams are crushed, life moves on
- cut to a week ago, april 7. mikuexpo is making its rounds on my twitter fyp (for the record, i hate the twitter fyp with a burning passion but i'll let it take the win this time) because the concert, for whatever reason, isn't even a proper hologram and looks more like a rigged up LED screen at certain angles; the community has lost faith in mikuexpo. enter the kind soul who pointed out that stubhub was dropping ticket prices in tweet with a joke i can no one longer remember. obviously, i bought 8 tickets with hesitation - they were only $8 after all!
honestly, i woke up today having completely forgotten about it too. it wasn't until 1st called me on the bus asking what the plans were for the night that it clicked. i was already mid my hour commute to campus; obviously, i did not prepare any plans.
still, the day was an overall success. we dissected a cow eye in anatomy lab, which was promptly followed by an impulse stop at the merch booth (i cannot emphasize enough how it was literally on my university campus). some of the friends that tagged looked a little funny in the arena seats watching with very 'laxed expressions against all the edm hyper pop. the more i looked at her, the more it felt like miku was really in the room with us!
#in retrospect
04/7 at 09:49PM
do you think kafka would've liked enstars?
i was clicking through geocities archives today - that's how much free time i have by me ignoring all my responsibilities btw - and after a bit i realized that neocities at its present is no different, and it felt like my world shifted a bit.
yes, i know neocities is based off geocities and there's a whole meta-irony/nostalgia aesthetic influencing a majority of the site designs so it isn't that difficult to imagine the sites on there aren't too far off from whats on the neocities main page, but that's not what i'm getting at. it's the content that persists. i'm talking about some guy who was born in 1970 writing blog posts venting about whatever, university clubs making homepages, 15yos posts stupid pics with them and all their friends at places so familar.
"i will never know what its like to be a teen growing up in the early 2000s" - but don't i? 15 in 2009 and 15 in 2015 and 15 in 2024 is still just 15.
kafka was just a depressed twenty-something who didn't want to go to work once too.
#in my room
04/4 at 03:12PM
my perfectionism complex
every now and then i remember how big the world is and it always makes me feel so silly for being wrapped up in my own head.
i'm often paralyzed by my perfectionism complex - somewhere along the way, i was convinced it's much more comfortable to do nothing at all than to risk doing it all - but really, who's looking? the people on the bus aren't going to be reading my diary, and even you, netizen, wouldn't know if the essay i just submitted was my best work or not; and even if either of those were true, how long will they last? i would hope you'd have better things to worry about. success and things done well last longer than failures and misattempts, i just need to keep reminding myself that
#in my head
stuff i didn't know where to put
- i either write entries straight into the code or on google docs where i have wordcheck/autocorrect turned off so there might be typos here and there that i completely miss, don't laugh too hard (haha)
- any royal ‘we’ with no inherent subject can be assumed to be some shuffle of my regular group of friends from this page
- other friends are ambiguosly labeled until events call for contextualization, wherein i will add them to my friends page! :>
- the “second hand exchange store(s)” i frequent refers to 2 in-state chain brands with similar concepts except one is more emphasized with music and the other with books. considering the percentage of the people in my state who go to these stores + the percentage of people on neocities who are from my state, etc. etc., i’ve naturally taken to referring to them like how i do. if a store with a specific premise can be found in multiple states/countries i usually just name drop it, otherwise i just use broad labels when i talk about them for easier reading ~
- my major is biochemistry and i am technically on the pre-pharma track. i don’t have friends in my cohort (lol)
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